Discuss: Bacon Man vs. The Caffeine Crusader

Breakfast of Champions

Breakfast of Champions

On this week’s show we discussed a superhero pairing of the breakfast variety.

Geec asked us this: If they assumed humanoid forms with super powers, who would win in a fight: coffee or bacon?

This led us into one of our notorious tangents on Episode 121, but we want to know what you think. Who would win, the Caffeine Crusader or the Bacon Man?

Hit up the comments section to weigh in. Let’s talk about tactics, attacks, defenses, and the might of the two best parts of a balanced breakfast.

17 thoughts on “Discuss: Bacon Man vs. The Caffeine Crusader

  1. I stand by my dollar bet on Bacon Man. Because zombies. And only vegan villains are immune to the zombificating power of Bacon Man.

  2. No contest. Caffeine Crusader FTW.

    The Crusader is escorted to the ring by an entourage of baristas. Confidently he steps to the fore, and with a deep, piercing and unwavering stare, he whispers to Bacon Man. And his whisper is mighty.

    “I….am a god.”

    Bacon Man furrows his brow in confusion. But then…perhaps it has always been furrowed.

    Caffeine Man continues. “I am EVERYWHERE. I am IN everyone. I am motion. I am vibrancy. I am hustle. I am the true lifeblood of world economies, and I am indeed Life itself. You…you are an indulgence. But they…..NEEEEEEEED meeeeeeeeee.”

    Granted, the crowd would be cheering for Bacon Man, like a zealous and bloodthirsty horde, instinctively responding to the nearly irresistible scent of salted meat sizzling in its own fat. Clamoring after their prized champion, screaming, “BAAAACCCCCCCOOOOONNNNNNN”, they are unified in their lust. But they are also short-sighted. They will soon tire, or become distracted, as would Bacon Man himself, taken down by his own cardiovascular corkage even before the fight begins.

    Caffeine Man FTW.

  3. The grizzled veteran hardly seemed to notice as the shadow engulfed his newspaper. His eyes stayed down for a breath, then two before he slowly raised his gaze to take in the newcomer.
    “Yer, the caffeine guy, eh? The Crusader? Been hearing a lot about you. I kinda thought you’d be bigger.”

    The man standing over him and darkening his morning reading material growled through gritted teeth, “Your time is up, old man. You’ve gone soft. I’m here to retire you.”

    Bacon gave a deep, throaty laugh as he shifted his bulk forward and began to stand.

    Coffee seized the opportunity and struck first. Moving in a blur of motion, he struck at Bacon’s head. At first the punches landed in a staccato beat, then Coffee bore down and the impacts blended into one low tone.

    If he felt the blows at all, Bacon did not let on. He rose from his chair and waited. As quickly as the barrage started, it was over. Coffee placed his hands on his knees and stared at his adversary. Bacon showed no signs of injury, no damage from the attack. If anything his appearance had only grown harder. Gasping for breath, the caffeine fading, Coffee managed only “How…?”

    Bacon stretched and twisted at the waist, “You gotta be able to give a little if you’re gonna make it out here. You kids, you haven’t seen what I have. I’ve been through the fire, boy!” Reaching back, Bacon swung his hand in a wide overhand chop. Too exhausted to move, too weak to block, Coffee could only watch the descent of the blow.

    With a sharp, porcelain-like crack, the hard edge of Bacon’s hand struck Coffee between the shoulder blades. He fell to one knee and placed a hand on the ground. Rivulets of dark brown liquid ran down his arm and soaked into the earth. Bacon glared down at him, noticing the cracks slowly spreading down the kneeling man’s back. Knowing the fight was already over, he shook the watery liquid from his hand and raised his right leg. Pushing with his foot, he knocked the crusader over on his side and watched him shatter on the ground. Steam rose from the dark liquid as it pooled beneath the remains.

    Bacon sneered as he turned back to his table, “Kids these days. Got nothing in their guts but dirty water.”

    • That last line was great. Fun stuff, Rich!

      Bacon definitely has weight and form on coffee. Would it just aid in splashing everything around? Or would it cut through like in this story. We’ll never know.

  4. Before Bacon reached his table, a chair flew out from the side, unseen. It struck the thick-set slab of salty power in between his shoulder blades and knocked him flat, as sure a sweet sucker move as one could face. The crowd gasped and looked to the Caffeine Crusader, but that dark behemoth was still struggling to rise from where the unyielding blows of Bacon Man had laid him low. Instead, two slender, fairer forms stood out from the audience and faced down both titans.

    Caffeine grinned, broken roots of teeth turning his smile jagged. “Girls! I knew you dames wouldn’t lemme down. We’s a team, forever and ever!”

    The ladies looked back at him with nothing but disdain. Cream and Sugar sneered, and the latter said as sweetly as she could, “Shut up, ya big mook. We’ve been carrying your sorry butt for years. You may think people NEED you, but who got you in to the big leagues? Without us, you’d only be a staple for the last generation and desperate sailors and security guards. Who got you in with new kids? Who put you on every corner and got you in tight with the European types? Latte, Cappuccino, Cafe au Lait, Thai coffee? That was us, baby. And you know what. We don’t need you any more.”

    Caffeine looked like they had hit him harder than anything Bacon had thrown, all without laying a single punch. “Yeah, but you two need somebody to carry you. You ain’t nothing without somebody else! Who you gonna go to without me? Eggs? Don’t crack me up!”

    Cream laid a milky white arm around her friend. “We know it, but we don’t mind staying behind the scenes. That’s where all the power is anyways. You should see what my Sweety here does for Bacon when you aren’t around.”

    Sugar dimpled cutely. “I cured him.”

    The one-two punch threatened to lay the Crusader flat. “But, but, but . . . I thought that was just Brown Sugar and Maple, the Pancake Twins!”

    Sugar shrugged. “Yeah, they’re tight, but me and Brown don’t mind doing things . . . together. She likes it when I sprinkle a little sweetness on her Bacon Baby.”

    Bacon groaned proudly from the floor and held up a hand. “I gotta say, I don’t mind either!”

    Caffeine struggled to stand, but it was too much. He slumped. “Yeah?! Well I don’t need you anyways. They got non-dairy Creamer! They even got substitutes for you, Sweetness! Maybe I’ll look up Stevia or Splenda! They got all o’ what you got and none of the baggage!”

    The girls laughed and looked at one another. “Yeah, knock yourself out, El Cafe,” Sugar answered. “Because everybody just loooooves dumping in some chemicals first thing in the morning. They may get used, but they aren’t a patch on the pair of us. Folks’re even giving themselves diabetes just to stay close. We’re what everybody really wants. In fact, this has been fun, but we have places to be.”

    Cream looked over at her friend and they nodded to one another. “Wanna hook up with Flour and Butter, see what we can cook up?”

    “It’ll be a piece of cake.” They smiled, laughed, and sauntered away, leaving both morning heroes devastated in the dust.

  5. Where would we be without Monday Night Thwack! ? The show that is to conflict resolution what the Bagger 288 is to Bonsai gardening. Once the bombastic titles (the use of real bombs in the title sequence is still only a rumour, folks, please stop writing in) are done, and the usual panning shot of the crowd and their humorous signs is over we settle on our two familiar announcers J “JR” R and Charlie “The King” .

    JR: Bah Gawd, King, we have a hellacious set of matchups tonight! It’s gonna be a slobberknocker! It’s…

    ….aaaaand we fast forward through the first three matches, which are always squash jobs featuring jobbers and undercarders anyway. Who cares about them? We’re here to see the Superstars! Let’s see where we’ve got to….

    King: Female secondary sexual characteristics!

    Okay, little more fast forwarding….how about now? Oh, this looks promising.

    The Arena lights dim and the crowd stop beating each other with their home made signs long enough to register the atmosphere change. The first languid notes of “Cocaine” by JJ Cale float out over the crowd, although (of course) the lyrics have been reworded to avoid inadvertently advertising hard drugs.

    JR: Bid’ness is about to pick up!
    King: Wheeeee!
    JR: What are you, six?

    And there he is, walking down to the ring like he has all the time in the world: Coffee. Dark, strong, confident of his own power, Coffee can afford to swagger. No one sleeps while Coffee is in the house, and his relaxed entry to the ring makes that very clear. He gestures for a microphone, pauses in the very centre of the ring and acknowledges the reaction of the crowd, accompanied as it normally is by twitching and involuntary shrieking.

    Coffee: You know….

    and that first hit of Coffee has set the crowd off again, with some of the parts nearest the ring resembling a painting by Hieronymus Bosch. We don’t spend too much time looking at that frenzy. It’s ugly, and pretty scary

    Coffee: …you know, I was on my way here today when it occurred to me..why fight it any more? They should just give me the belt. Everyone knows I’m the best. Nothing happens without me. Think about it.

    Coffee pauses to allow people to take in the inevitability of his truth.

    Coffee: You want to get going first thing in the morning. Who do you turn to?
    Crowd: Coffee!
    Coffee: You want to end a meal on a civilised note, who do you turn to?
    Crowd: Coffee!
    Coffee: If you want to meet someone in a nice, non-threatening way, what do you invite them out for?
    Crowd: Coffee!
    Coffee: And if you’re looking to tell that special someone that you want to take your relationship to the next level, what do you invite them in for?

    The crowd’s response is bleeped out and Coffee looks perplexed and upset by their reaction. he turns to the MassiveTron screen over the entryway and there, pixelated out so we can’t see it, is the word or words that the crowd have just yelled.

    JR: Oh MY
    King: It says…
    JR: I know what it says! So don’t you say it!
    King: But who could have done such a thing?
    JR: Somebody warn the Spanish Announce table, I think we might be about to find out!
    King: Say…do you smell what I smell?
    JR: Bah Gawd, King, I do! I surely do!

    The crowd have stopped twitching and screaming and biting things and are now, as one body, staring at the entrance ramp and drooling. Coffee stands leaning on the top rope, glaring up at the entryway. And with no fanfare at all, there he is: Bacon.

    Bacon: It’s funny, hearing all these things that coffee is supposed to be able to do. I mean, it’s an impressive list…but it doesn’t come close to the power I have at my disposal. Ask yourself this. Have you ever had far too much alcohol to drink? Have you drunk so much that you can’t remember how much you’ve had to drink? Got so drunk that you crawl home and drag yourself, with your last vestige of strength, into the bathroom and prop your head up on the toilet seat so you can sleep there?

    My friends, that’s not sleep. That right there is the alcohol coma and there is only one way to wake up from it. And whether it’s the power of evolution or the design of Almighty God, that one curative is on every breakfast table around the world. Just one thing will create a scent which your brain recognises as salvation. Just one scent which will liberate the final spark of life that rests within you and which can stir your limbs once more to movement. And that smell is cooking, crispy, delicious, meaty

    Everyone in the building: BACON

    Bacon: Testify, me bredrin! So you see, Coffee, you might be able to get people awake in the morning, but only I have the power to bring people back from the dead!

    King: JR…is Bacon… Jesus?
    JR: What?
    JR takes off his stetson, revealing a slightly smaller stetson beneath it, and swats King with his hat
    JR: No! Of course not! You idiot!

    And we cut to commercial

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